I even started writing a blog entry multiple times - but no words would come to mind.
My heart is heavy and often times my mind is far from what we are doing in Guatemala; thoughts of home almost constantly distract me from where I am. I don´t like it, I want so badly to be present... but right now that is hard.
I thrive with routines, but right now I am so weary of them. We have been in the same place, doing the same thing day after day for nearly 2 months now. While our time here is almost over, and I anxiously await a change of pace, I am starting to realize that I will miss some things, and some of the structure.
It is amazing to me how different my level of comfort is now than it was when we first arrived. Routines develop quickly, something new and strange quickly becomes the norm.
What am I going to do when I no longer have little sisters waiting for me at home? I am going to miss holding Esther so much, and laughing at the silly 2 year old antics of Eva. But I am also ready to have a true space of my own, and not have to hide anything fragile or of value high on a shelf incase Eva sneaks into my room during the day.
Mixed feelings mixed feelings.
This past weekend our group visited Santiago Atitlan and Panajachel, two towns around the shore of Lago Atitlan. We visited a coffee cooperative that gave us whole mangos as snack and talked about land issues and growing coffee (which I drink wayyy more of than is healthy). We also visited a town called Panaj, which suffered under the hands of the military during the 30some year war here in Guatemala. Then, after the war was finished, in 2005 there was a tragic mudslide which destroyed nearly the entire village overnight. Families woke up without houses, children woke up without families. The government promised housing, and provided "temporary housing" ... which has now been in use for 6 years. Little plastic shacks housing up to 9 or 10 people in a single room... while right next door are half built cement houses that have been prohibited because they are in a "high risk area".
The world makes me angry.
Also... how had I never heard about a war that lasted more than 3 decades!? So many innocent people were killed, tourtured, disappeared... all because of racial prejudice. These things need to be taught, even here, many people don´t understand the war that plagued their own country... while they were alive!
Ignorance does not teach peace, it frustrates me that such acts can be committed and forgotten by the world. People are still suffering, people are still struggling to provide what was taken from them years ago. And everyone else has moved on.
I am growing weary. We learn so much of violence, desolation, destruction... I am eager to learn of hope, of justice, and of restoration.
In other news. Guatemala is beautiful as always, it is becoming mango season which I love. The weather is confusing me, some days are hot to the point of discomfort while others plunge into the 70s (gasp! so cold!) The beauty of the flowers and birds and trees will be greatly missed when we leave. Though I have to say, I will NOT be missing roosters. at all.
I am also afraid that I will miss the food here. Wow, it is so delicous! Every day, with few exceptions, I eat a breakfast of an egg and a pile of mashed beans and tortillas. Then for supper I have an egg (fried a different way) some beans and tortillas. Often there are fried plantains along with the beans. And Coffee of course, and champuradas to dip into my coffee. (I have been drinking mas o menos 5 cups of coffee a day. yikes!)
I was promised that upon my return to the US I would be too skinny for my jeans... but it appears that I am having more of the opposite problem. I can´t wait to try to make the food on my own for my family and friends! I had my host mom teach me to make plantains and beans the way she does, and I learned to make tortillas in class. But i fear that they will never taste as good as they do here.
I literally could eat them every day, for every meal... and I do.
Also, it is now the season of Lent. Since high school I have approached Lent differently than I used to. I grew to realize that the "giving up" of something did not serve to bring me closer to God. I didn´t pray whenever I craved what I was giving up, and I didn´t challenge myself to find joy - instead I became resentful of the season. So since high school I have challenged myself to add a devotional time, or increase my devotional time during Lent. I am doing this again this year, and it is more of a challenge than ever. As I wrote before, I have been struggling to let go of my control and give things up to God. And so, in the hecticness of dull every day routines, I am searching for God daily, and I am forcing myself to add devotional time to read and to pray and to listen. And it is hard. I can´t describe the sense of relief and joy that I felt when I finally picked up my Bible again after these 2 months of neglecting it. I felt at peace and I knew that spending time with God was exactly what I needed to be doing. So I know that I am headed in the right direction, but it is a daily fight within myself.
so that is all that is going on aquí en Guatemala.
blessings.
-jenn
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