The end... and a new beginning

I AM FINISHED!
With my 8 weeks of Spanish classes anyway. Today I took my final exam, tomorrow is a class presentation called Clausura... we´ll see how that goes, but really in my mind today was the last bit of uphill road, and now I am descending. Finally.
8 weeks of 4 hours of spanish class everyday, and little freedom even on our free afternoons had begun to wear me down. But now it is on to free travel!
Free travel is sparking a whole new set of worries in me though. I am going with 3 other people to the tropical island of Utila. It takes 12 hours by bus to get there, so we are leaving for the bus station at 3:30 AM, then we´ll have to stay in a hotel in La Ceiba before getting up bright and early to get to the ferry around 5 AM the next morning.
OH! And none of the cheap hotels on Utila take reservations.... sooo we are just going to show up, walk around with all our stuff, and find a hotel with vacancies. Hopefully it shouldn´t be tough, but for someone like me... not having plans is a little stressful.
It is a growing experience, growing experience... etc. etc. That´s my mantra.
This past weekend was our last free weekend with our host families, it also happened to be my host mom´s father´s birthday, so we went to pay a surprise visit. PS: my host mom is from Honduras!
So we all hopped in the car and took off for Honduras on Saturday morning after my host dad finished his turno at work. It was about a 7 hour drive- add two hungry, crying babies and you have yourself an adventure! No, but really it was a good time. Honduras is absolutely beautiful, we were in San Pedro Sula, it was hot and sticky and rainy and everything was green. I met a LOT of extended family, ate a lot of good food, and spent most of my waking weekend in the car.
This week has been nice and relaxing after the busy weekend. We finished up all our class material, so we spent the last few days planning and practicing our clausura, reviewing for the test, and playing games. Kathryn and I began our mission for the next month: Eat as many mangos as possible so that when we return home... we no longer love them, crave them, or even want to think about them.
During this mission we are also determined to find out how many mangos it is humanely possible to eat before digestion is negatively effected. So far, so good. Yesterday we went across the pasarela and each bought a few mangos to start out our mission... each cost Q2.75 ... a little more than 25 cents. YUM
Tonight and tomorrow I have to say goodbye to my family here. It is so hard to believe that I have spent 8 weeks with them already. I so clearly remember that first night here, I was so uncomfortable and literally on the verge of tears every time I thought of home. I didn´t think I would make it. But what a wonderful experience it has been - I have been so blessed to spend so much time with one family, getting to know them and feel included in their daily lives.
So that is my agenda: Pack everything, say goodbye, do clausura, go to Utila, find somewhere to live.
                                                             
Things I will miss from Guatemala:
The lady at the coke stand
My host sisters (and finding Eva messing with all my stuff in my room... then acting innocent and saying she was doing "nana")
Mangos
The simple satisfaction of getting a seat on the bus
The man who runs past me in the mornings and tries to practice his english
Chocobananos
Edna, my spanish teacher, and all her silly quirks
Jacaranda trees (which are in full bloom right now!)
PIBAMA smoothies (piña, banano, y mango) for a little over $1
The guy at the grocery store who knows me by name and practices his english while I practice spanish
the weather
FRIJOLES
mucho mucho mucho mas. 


Things I won´t miss:
whistles and stares
smog
packed buses and hands on my butt
guns
4 hours of class
... un poquito mas
                                                                                            
And a funny story for your enjoyment:
On Tuesday night I went to Lucas´s house for dinner because his family wanted to meet me. Many of you proabably know my nervous... thing... of blushing. Ugh. Maybe it was because I was nervous, or still had a little fever, or maybe it was a weird reaction to the Chloroquin I had just taken... at any rate, my face felt like it was burning.
Lucas´s older brother Diego asked me "¿Por que tu cara esta roja?¿ Estas nerviosa?" - why is your face red, are you nervous?
And Lucas, laughing at my now even REDDER (because all the attention was on me) face says 
"No, no, no, su cara siempre esta roja, especialmente cuando ella esta EMBARASADA" - no no no, her face is always red, especially when she is pregnant. PREGNANT. .... and I knew this was coming as soon as he started the sentence, so I was just sitting there frantically shaking my head saying "no nonnonononono. AVERGONZADA"
Embarasada is just one of those cursed words that sounds like what you think you want to say, but means something totally different.
Needless to say everyone was laughing, my face was ridiculously red, and Lucas was just a little confused. Once I had stopped laughing enough to let him know the difference in the words, we all started laughing again.
oooooh cultural and language differences.

This might be it for a while, OFF TO HONDURAS!
blessings,
-Jenn

Words.

I have been searching, searching, searching for words to write the last 2 weeks. But there are none, for a variety of reasons.
I even started writing a blog entry multiple times - but no words would come to mind.
My heart is heavy and often times my mind is far from what we are doing in Guatemala; thoughts of home almost constantly distract me from where I am. I don´t like it, I want so badly to be present... but right now that is hard.
I thrive with routines, but right now I am so weary of them. We have been in the same place, doing the same thing day after day for nearly 2 months now. While our time here is almost over, and I anxiously await a change of pace, I am starting to realize that I will miss some things, and some of the structure.
It is amazing to me how different my level of comfort is now than it was when we first arrived. Routines develop quickly, something new and strange quickly becomes the norm.
What am I going to do when I no longer have little sisters waiting for me at home? I am going to miss holding Esther so much, and laughing at the silly 2 year old antics of Eva. But I am also ready to have a true space of my own, and not have to hide anything fragile or of value high on a shelf incase Eva sneaks into my room during the day.
Mixed feelings mixed feelings.
This past weekend our group visited Santiago Atitlan and Panajachel, two towns around the shore of Lago Atitlan. We visited a coffee cooperative that gave us whole mangos as snack and talked about land issues and growing coffee (which I drink wayyy more of than is healthy). We also visited a town called Panaj, which suffered under the hands of the military during the 30some year war here in Guatemala. Then, after the war was finished, in 2005 there was a tragic mudslide which destroyed nearly the entire village overnight. Families woke up without houses, children woke up without families. The government promised housing, and provided "temporary housing" ... which has now been in use for 6 years. Little plastic shacks housing up to 9 or 10 people in a single room... while right next door are half built cement houses that have been prohibited because they are in a "high risk area".
The world makes me angry.
Also... how had I never heard about a war that lasted more than 3 decades!? So many innocent people were killed, tourtured, disappeared... all because of racial prejudice. These things need to be taught, even here, many people don´t understand the war that plagued their own country... while they were alive!
Ignorance does not teach peace, it frustrates me that such acts can be committed and forgotten by the world. People are still suffering, people are still struggling to provide what was taken from them years ago. And everyone else has moved on.
I am growing weary. We learn so much of violence, desolation, destruction... I am eager to learn of hope, of justice, and of restoration.

                                                                                         
In other news. Guatemala is beautiful as always, it is becoming mango season which I love. The weather is confusing me, some days are hot to the point of discomfort while others plunge into the 70s (gasp! so cold!) The beauty of the flowers and birds and trees will be greatly missed when we leave. Though I have to say, I will NOT be missing roosters. at all.
I am also afraid that I will miss the food here. Wow, it is so delicous! Every day, with few exceptions, I eat a breakfast of an egg and a pile of mashed beans and tortillas. Then for supper I have an egg (fried a different way) some beans and tortillas. Often there are fried plantains along with the beans. And Coffee of course, and champuradas to dip into my coffee. (I have been drinking mas o menos 5 cups of coffee a day. yikes!)
I was promised that upon my return to the US I would be too skinny for my jeans... but it appears that I am having more of the opposite problem. I can´t wait to try to make the food on my own for my family and friends! I had my host mom teach me to make plantains and beans the way she does, and I learned to make tortillas in class. But i fear that they will never taste as good as they do here.
I literally could eat them every day, for every meal... and I do.

Also, it is now the season of Lent. Since high school I have approached Lent differently than I used to. I grew to realize that the "giving up" of something did not serve to bring me closer to God. I didn´t pray whenever I craved what I was giving up, and I didn´t challenge myself to find joy - instead I became resentful of the season. So since high school I have challenged myself to add a devotional time, or increase my devotional time during Lent. I am doing this again this year, and it is more of a challenge than ever. As I wrote before, I have been struggling to let go of my control and give things up to God. And so, in the hecticness of dull every day routines, I am searching for God daily, and I am forcing myself to add devotional time to read and to pray and to listen. And it is hard. I can´t describe the sense of relief and joy that I felt when I finally picked up my Bible again after these 2 months of neglecting it. I felt at peace and I knew that spending time with God was exactly what I needed to be doing. So I know that I am headed in the right direction, but it is a daily fight within myself.

so that is all that is going on aquí en Guatemala. 
blessings.
-jenn

525,600

This morning I woke up with RENT in my head, and it still hasn´t left.
"525,600 minutes,

525,000 moments so dear. 

525,600... how do you measure, measure a year? 

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights in cups of coffee?

In inches, in miles, in laughter and strife?" ...

Life flies by, minutes used to seem longer, and now they pass without me realizing it. How have I been measuring my time here? It is different than in the US, that is for sure. Here I measure time in classes, tortillas, mangos, chocobananos, Grey´s Anatomy episodes, actually HOT showers, laundry days, days without running water, sunburns, bugbites.... the list goes on.
Life is the same, but different in so many ways. I have learned to appreciate the small things... but have a really learned to appreciate simplicity? Because let me tell you, I day dream about my closet at home and ALL the clothes that will be available to me, I dream about 20 minute  -high pressured showers, about airconditioning, and eating an entire box of mint chocolate chip icecream in one sitting.
So this makes me question... am I really, truly, actually learning here? Am I actually soaking in the information and the experiences, and realizing the ways in which my actions affect others? Or in my mind am I still only on vacation? I hate that I even have to ask myself that, because I am learning so much, and my heart aches for the situations and the people that I encounter. And I want to make a difference, and I want to help... but when I return home... will I remember? Will I change the way I live? How will I measure my life once I am back to my "normal"?

This past week was finals week for us here at CASAS... we have already finished with one semester of Spanish! We took the exam on Thursday, it was a little nerve wracking to say the least. But after that we all had a relaxing weekend to look forward to.
We spent Thursday night at Semilla (CASAS) and left for the airport at 7 am Friday morning... this was a great improvement, because we were supposed to leave at 5 am. The plane we took was itty bitty tiny, and it was only about a 45 minute flight, then a 45 minute drive to TIKAL. We spend Friday meandering around in the Tikal park, learning about and climbing many many Mayan Temples and other ruins. The temperature in Petén (where Tikal is located) seemed to be about 100 degrees hotter than here in the city, and the humidity was insane. We were all sweating profusely and chugging water, but no one could resist climbing the ruins... even though we did, literally, hundreds of steps.
What a beautiful place Tikal is. If you haven´t already, you should check out the pictures on the EMU website, I am sure there will be plenty more later, on Facebook, if you want to wait for them.
The rest of the weekend was spent at out hotel, the Gringo Perdido (lost white man). I slept in a little cabaña where the front wall was plastic, and we rolled it up so that we could see the lake day and night, we were only about 20 feet from the water. There were hammocks and kayaks and horses, and people spent the weekend relaxing and swimming and partaking in other adventures offered by the little town. Many people came back sunburnt, luckily I did not... and thanks to that 70 SPF sunscreen (mom) I hardly even got a tan ;)
This week it is back to classes and lectures. I have now moved up to Avanzado 1... but I don´t know the result of my test yet... it would be mortifying if I completely failed it and had to move back down to Intermedio 2... but I don´t think that will be the case.
Being a pefectionist in a different culture with a different language is hard. I am only now realizing that if I don´t give it up, I will learn nothing. Because of this sudden realization I am finally connecting more with my host family, and even though I make far more mistakes now than I did before, I have more confidance in my ability.
We are about halfway through with our trip... and plans for freetravel are beginning to be made. The idea of going off without leaders is a bit frightening... but I am sure I´ll be ready enough for a break that I won´t even mind.
Well it is lunch time. I think that my stomach is expanding... because I am finding that I am almost always hungry, and can pack away far more food than I would in the US. Everything is so delicious though that I don´t even care.
Tenga un buen dia! I love and miss you all!
-Jenn